“If you spent less time complaining, it would already be done.” ― Frank Sonnenberg
You ever meet that person that no matter what is going on in their world, all they do is complain? They could win the lottery and they’d complain they have to pay too much in taxes. They could land a great contract, but then complain they don’t have good enough workers to do the work. Nothing is ever good enough, I don’t feel good, this weather sucks, I don’t have any money, I don’t have any friends, nobody wants to work, blah-blah-blah… If you are on social, you probably see these people in your newsfeed. We all encounter individuals in our personal and professional lives who seem to have mastered the art of constant complaining. Whether it’s a friend who can’t stop griping about life’s inconveniences or an employee who always finds something to moan about, dealing with chronic complainers can be challenging, and to be honest, it’s exhausting!
In leadership, we get used to hearing complaining frequently. For years I titled myself as a counselor. As It seemed all that ever came to me were problems and complaints! Either the employees that no matter how much you do for them it’s not enough, or the client that no matter how good of service you provide it doesn’t meet their standards. Or the employee complaining about the complaining clients! The list goes on. And over time, it gets exhausting to deal with. I know for me personally, my complaining has gotten less and less each step forward in my journey. And not because I’m not dealing with adversities, or wanting to always help grow others, but because I’m intentional about finding solutions. In addition, I’ve found myself to be much more attracted to leaders that are solution focused problem solvers and want to grow, and I want to have energy available to pour into them, not drain myself on the complainers and fault finders.
Everyone has a long list of things we could complain about. No one wants you adding to their troubles with your bellyaching about how bad traffic was on your drive this morning, or how your eyeball has been twitching for weeks. We don’t need to hear about your toxic friend that you probably should have unfriended months ago, or what your stomach feels like after too much crappy food you shouldn’t have eaten to begin with. We’ve got our own stomachs to deal with. I honestly try not to complain because I see how it affects myself and others around me, so I don’t want to add to the list of complainers!
I have a few very close friends that when I’m going through a trial, they are my “go to” for advice and guidance. I was on a call with one of them a few months ago when dealing with a situation, and he said to me “dude, you need to calm down. There is more to the story you probably don’t realize”. I was fired up! And he was as calm and collected as can be. I hung up the call with him and thought to myself, “holy molasses… I really was a whiny brat on that call”. I actually sent him a text apologizing for my rant.. Realizing that he’s probably going through things in his leadership, and here I go just complaining, not even looking for a solution he was suggested in the whining!
Things haven’t been going your way recently? Join the crowd. You’ve had a bad day at work? Who didn’t? You feel like no one likes you, including you, and that you are totally alone? That’s life buddy… I’m hungry, so clam up and pass the potatoes! Life is hard. Complaining isn’t only bad for other people, it’s bad for you too. You start to convince yourself that things are just supposed to go wrong. It becomes a part of your act, and the world starts to play along. One of the nicest things you can say about someone is that they never complained about their lives. It’s like announcing a major accomplishment. After someone dies you’ll hear about how they were sick for years, and had every reason to complain but didn’t. My older brother was like that. He was in a horrible motorcycle accident years before he passed away and honestly shouldn’t have survived the hit. A few years after, him and his wife were rear-ended on the expressway and if you had saw the damage, you’d wonder how they made it through. In 2020, he found out he had terminal cancer. As I visited and prayed with him in his last days of life, he kept telling me how proud he was of me for making it out of the childhood life we had. And telling me about Jesus and how much leadership I could find rooted in the bible. He had every reason to complain about his situation, but he never did. He was awesome!
I go to church with a young leader named Jake who fought a tough battle with cancer. He spent years dealing with miserable treatments, had some major surgeries, and even had a chunk of his hip removed. Today, he is healthy as can be and cancer free. Had he not told you he was battling cancer, you NEVER would’ve known. This guy spends his life working hard, and teaching other people about how God got him through his sickness. He always has a great attitude towards life. I see him at the gym occasionally laying down a savage workout, and if you ask him why he pushes himself so hard, he’ll tell you that it’s because we only get one life, and we got to live it well.
Constant grumbling and whining is toxic for everyone, the person doing it included. Some individuals may use complaining as a coping mechanism. So seek to understand first what they might be going through in their personal lives before lending guidance. While it’s very important to empathize and show compassion, it’s equally crucial to establish boundaries with a “whiner”.. Let them know that while you’re there to listen and support them, constant complaining can be draining. Encourage them to share positive aspects of their day or provide solutions to the issues they raise. I have noticed a trend in the constant complainers that these are the same people that constantly seek validation from others. Those that have inner joy and peace and intrinsic motivation, are usually the ones that can find the good in all situations. If you have that person around you that is complaining more frequently these days, try to work with them on cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Coach them that whenever they feel the urge to complain, to see this as a red flag to shift their attention from complaining to counting their blessings. In doing so, they might find that their mood improves; and they will have more energy and feel less anxious. Creating such a behavior change takes time, so coach them to start small and work on 1% daily improvements!
Science shows that you cannot be blessed AND stressed at the same time. By developing an attitude of gratitude, it becomes much more navigable to deal with whiny people, and to keep yourself from complaining too much. Dealing with a constant whiner requires a delicate balance of empathy, boundaries, and constructive communication. By understanding the underlying motivations, setting clear expectations, and fostering a positive environment, you can navigate the “whine zone” and promote a healthier and more productive dynamic. Remember, it’s not about silencing the complaints, but about finding constructive ways to address challenges and maintain a positive atmosphere around you!