John Maxwell said, “You cannot simultaneously be improving and proving.”
I spent a lot of years trying to make sure everyone liked me.
Looking back, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had become a professional people pleaser. I wanted every client to be happy, every employee to agree with my decisions, every difficult conversation to end with everyone smiling, and every relationship to stay comfortable.
I convinced myself that was what good leadership looked like.
Over the last five or so years, I’ve had the incredible privilege of standing in front of hundreds of thousands of leaders across North America. From conference stages and workshops to company meetings and coaching sessions, I’ve been blessed with opportunities I never could have imagined. Every audience has been different, but one thing has remained the same – they’re looking for someone who’s willing to tell them the truth.
When I first started writing my talks, I leaned heavily on humor. There were plenty of laughs, lots of self-deprecating stories about my own failures, and lessons wrapped in entertainment. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe stories are one of the greatest teachers we have, and I’ll never stop sharing the mistakes that shaped me. But over the last two or three years, something has changed. My talks have become much more direct. Less focused on getting a laugh and more focused on delivering a truth that people can actually take home and apply.
What’s been not ironic at all, is that it never fails. After almost every keynote, workshop, or coaching session, someone inevitably walks up and says, “I just appreciate how straightforward you are.” I’ve heard the same thing later on from employees after difficult conversations. Not because I was harsh. Not because I lacked compassion. But because clarity is kindness. People don’t need another leader who dances around the issue or tells them what they want to hear. They need someone willing to tell them what they need to hear.
Ironically, that wasn’t always easy for me. In fact, there was a time in my life when being this direct felt almost impossible! The problem was that I was managing people’s opinions.
I’ve come to realize that people pleasing is one of the most deceptive habits a leader can develop because it often disguises itself as kindness. We tell ourselves we’re being compassionate, humble, or easy to work with. But if we’re willing to dig a little deeper, many times what sits underneath isn’t kindness at all. It’s fear. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of conflict. Fear of criticism. Fear that if someone doesn’t approve of us, somehow we’ve failed.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized something that has fundamentally changed the way I lead. You simply cannot pursue growth while constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. Those two pursuits are moving in opposite directions. Growth requires conviction. People pleasing requires permission. One asks, “What is the right thing to do?” The other asks, “What will everyone think if I do it?” You cannot chase both for very long before one wins.
For years I thought leadership meant making people happy. Today I believe leadership means making the right decision, even when happiness has to wait. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for an employee is hold them accountable. Sometimes the best decision for your company will frustrate a customer. Sometimes protecting your family means disappointing someone outside of it. Sometimes following God’s calling means people who once cheered you on will suddenly question your motives.
Jesus understood this reality better than anyone. One week the crowds welcomed Him as a King. A few days later many of those same voices demanded His crucifixion. If the Son of God couldn’t build a life that pleased everyone, why do we think that’s the standard we’re supposed to achieve?
I’ve watched this play out over and over in business. Owners refuse to raise prices because they’re afraid of upsetting customers. They avoid difficult conversations because they don’t want employees to be frustrated with them. They tolerate toxic behavior because confrontation feels uncomfortable. Five years later they look around wondering why the business hasn’t grown. The answer is often staring back at them in the mirror. Growth stopped the moment they allowed the opinions of others to carry more weight than the mission God had placed in front of them.
John Maxwell said, “You cannot simultaneously be improving and proving.” That quote has challenged me for years because every ounce of energy I spend trying to prove myself to someone else is energy I no longer have available to become the leader God has called me to be. Approval is exhausting because you’ll never get enough of it. Purpose is energizing because it keeps pulling you forward regardless of who’s clapping.
I’ll probably always describe myself as a recovering people pleaser. There are still moments when I catch myself wanting everyone to understand every decision I make. I want everyone to agree. I want everyone to see my heart. Then I remind myself that not everyone is supposed to understand my assignment. God never called me to collect unanimous approval. He called me to be faithful.
If you’re leading a business, your family, a team, or simply your own life, ask yourself one honest question today: whose opinion has been sitting in the driver’s seat? If it’s everyone else’s, it’s time to take the keys back.
Because here’s the truth I’ve learned through plenty of mistakes, uncomfortable conversations, and hard decisions: you cannot be growing and worrying about what people think about you at the same time. One will always steal from the other.
Choose growth. Even if it costs you applause.